Krazy Kidz Fun Forest – 19/03/16

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It’s strange for the LWAT family to have aSaturday afternoon with nothing planned and nowhere to be, but last Saturday was one of those afternoons. I called the kids over to the laptop and excitedly told them all the things we could do. I knew the Find Your London festival had loads to offer so we could do that! Something cultural and vaguely arty! Or there was a new soft play opened in the Costa in Chingford….”SOFTPLAYSOFTPLAYSOFTPLAY” they both said. So, that was decided. Happily, we could do a small bit of both as there was a Find Your London event taking place right pretty much opposite our house. We have a new piece of wall art emerging…

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Can you tell what it is yet? I’ll give you a clue…there are a lot of them in Eva’s room. And it’s not a princess.

Culture – done! Next stop, coffee. There are certain advantages to a soft play being inside a Costa. And also certain advantages in seating all the kids together on a separate table. It was almost like having a civilised cup of coffee. Almost.

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The soft play section is at the back, in a separate room but it seems fine to take coffee through with you. Which is good, because you often need a coffee at soft play. This one is pretty small, which means you can sit back and relax a bit because even delicate flowers like Eva and Bunny would struggle to get stuck on this and require help. Eva was wearing a giant princess dress, which slightly impeded her climbing but she still managed it all without any intervention.

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I wish I could say the same about Roo. Sadly though, he required a fair bit of intervention. The area was a bit young for him (something I hate to say but it’s probably true) and he was forever pushing the boundaries by climbing on the walls or trying to ride the baby-ring down the slide. So, I set him a project. Around the floor – and clinging to the hem of Eva’s dress – were velcro letters. That could entertain a literate boy for a bit! And it did…

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Good improvisation on the “A”s there. He wasn’t bored at all, I was just aware that he was close to squishing babies as he demonstrated his forward rolls and he was possibly a bad influence on some of the less stable toddlers who might decide to follow him onto the gingerbread roof.

For the nearly-4-year-olds though, it was a good size. A little slide that neither of them were too scared to go on, and a special little den with a disco floor:

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And then they went to the library over the road and read a book about “Best Friends”. Awwwww….

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So, a nice addition to the Chingford toddler scene but probably not one for the wilder older kids. More info here.

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Parks and Waterslides

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Last week, as I was writing a hard-hitting piece on my cuddly local MP, I made a promise on my Facebook page. I promised that, before long, I’d move on from the political agitation and serve up a more traditional slice of LWAT parks-and-waterslides kinda stuff. So, here it is. It actually follows directly on from my chat with IDS –  after he terminated our conversation, Eva and I walked off purposefully. Problem was, we had nowhere that we were walking to.

So I stopped, a little way out of sight and asked Eva where she wanted to go. It was a beautiful sunny day so we agreed a park could be a good destination. I checked Google Maps and we weren’t far from Pimp Hall Park, which was meant to be nice and somewhere I’d never been to before. True, it happened to be in the opposite direction to the one we’d walked off in so it meant we had to sneak back past IDS in a less assertive way than we’d walked off. When political agitation gets awkward, hey?

But it was worth it and also worth the slog up the hill in the searing, 8 degree heat. From the top, you get spectacular views over Chingford…true, it’s only Chingford but a view is a view:

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I think some of the play area has been redone lately, because it has that fake grass stuff that seems popular with playground makers recently. And little mounds and things to walk on:

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Don’t ask why Eva had her coat on backwards. She had it like that all the way through the IDS chat too…kudos to him for not mentioning it.

On the subject of top Tories, I thought I’d stumbled upon one of Cameron’s exes for a minute:

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I’m not really sure how to move on from that gag so I’ll tell you about Eva’s time on the swing tyre, where she befriended another nearly 4-year-old and they talked about princess movies. It’s a pity I have no idea who the other small girl is so we’re unlikely to take her up on her invitation to watch “Brave” at her house.

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And then there were roundabouts:

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and climbing frames:

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and then a call from the mouse man which saw us jumping on the 212 and heading home. So, where do the waterslides come into this? Well, that was the week afterwards when we finally made it to that most mystical part of the East End – the Leyton Leisure Lagoon.

Except it’s not called that anymore. It is now, rather boringly, called Leyton Leisure Centre. But it does have an exciting water-play area that’s perfect for toddlers plus. It also involves parents wandering around in swimwear through ankle-deep water so, weirdly, I didn’t take any photos of us there. Also, I don’t think you’re allowed phones in the pool. So, I’ve filched this image from www.isgplc.com in order to show you the excitingness of it all:

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So, there’s a main pool, a smaller pool and a teaching pool alongside the water play area. Which is good, because it can get a bit cold if you’re not immersed in the water. I’d brought along a real live toddler to test it out with, and a baby too so I’m pleased to report we had the full preschool range. Boby, who is now the toddler, thought the splash area was great fun and enjoyed going down all the slides with Bob. I think the thing she liked best, though, was sitting in the basin of the water trough which, Bob pointed out, she probably could have done at home. BabyR, who is a genuine baby, spent her time in the deeper water in her inflatable seat because of the whole getting cold thing. Eva, who’s scared of most things, was scared of aspects of this area, including the snake/dragon, the slides, the water falling from overheard….but she still seemed to enjoy herself. The red and yellow slides in the picture above and really not very high – maybe a foot off the ground  – so she was OK with them. The blue one was bigger and you splash down into a pool of water at the bottom so she wasn’t so sure. But I think Roo would enjoy it.

I’ve never really been to a pool like it, and it was a fun thing to do with even my scaredy-cat child. It could do with the air being a tad warmer but I imagine if it was busier like it would be on a weekend, then it’d feel warmer. The changing facilities were good, the lockers spacious and all pretty clean so I’d definitely recommend it. And just up the road is a huge Greggs for a warming pasty afterwards.

So, there you go – two genuine Places to Go With Toddlers and one of them is even in undisputed London territory. Don’t worry folks, I haven’t lost the thread just yet…

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“No System is Perfect” – IDS Speaks on Benefit Deaths….

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Do you ever have bad days at work? Do you make mistakes? Well, we all do. No system is perfect and that’s exactly the expression Iain Duncan Smith used to describe his welfare system, which unfortunately makes the kinds of mistake that kill people on a regular basis. I’m lucky, as many people are, that my mistakes at work can be quite easily rectified with a credit note or a change of formula but even when it all goes wrong, nobody dies. A claim that IDS can’t make. Also, I apologise when I make mistakes and again, that is where we differ.

I fear I may have created a “bad day at work” for IDS when I accosted him outside a health clinic , to ask him about some of this stuff. I was fairly polite about it and waited for him to finish his sadface photoshoot before I invoked the rights of a constituent to contact their local MP. That’s all I wanted to do – it just so happens that my local MP is responsible for horrific human rights violations and it was those things that had prompted me to contact him. But where better to start than with the issue in hand – local authority funding? After all, he was there to protest about a GP’s clinic making cuts and didn’t it seem ironic to him that those cuts were probably a direct result of his vote to cut local authority funding by 24.6%  just a few weeks before (source theyworkforyou.com)?

It didn’t seem ironic. He’s not cutting local authority funding. “I’m not cutting local authority funding” he said.

That took me aback a bit, I must admit. I knew that local authorities were all being forced to face funding cuts and I was pretty sure IDS had never voted against his party on something like that. So, we tried to unpack this a little. A story had broken that morning  about my council, Waltham Forest, raising council tax for the first time in six years in order to offset the government cuts and to “help pay for the growing adults social care bill”. When I asked IDS about this, he was again in denial. He said that most local authorities were looking at a “stable budget” this year, that social care was protected and that the government was providing all funding needed. But I was still confused. In one breath, he said that social  care was not being cut  and there was “an extra pot of money going into social care” but in the next, said that councils were being allowed to raise taxes if they liked, “to bring some money into their social care at a local level…to get a better level of social care”. I might be having one of those maths-mistakes days, but if there’s extra central funding, why would councils need to generate their own extra funding as well? If the social care bill is rising and the government are not providing enough to cover that rise, surely it’s a cut in real terms? Our borough is getting ever more populous and so it’s inevitable that all sorts of costs will rise…”allowing” councils to raise council tax hardly seems an acceptable solution from the government, It sounds very much as if they’re washing their hands of local authorities.

And, of course, blaming them for their own failings. After all, everyone in business has to make these kinds of cuts all the time. According to IDS, that is. He’s a great believer in that Tory watchword, “efficiency”. If only people could be more efficient, they’d save money. Oodles of it. “I don’t believe services need to be cut” he said, in answer to a question about how a London Borough could save £58m “There are loads of ways, yknow”.

Loads of ways, people! Like efficiency, streamlining, rationalising and all those other words which are actually fairly meaningless when you’re staring down a budget that needs £58,000,000 taking out of it in order to provide the same services to a growing number of people. We’re used to a lack of maths skills from Gove – all schools are still expected to be above average, by the way – but it’s hard to calculate out an 8-figure budget hole. IDS claims that he’s successfully taken money out of his own department and it’s running more smoothly as a result but certainly, news reports from a year or so ago suggested it wasn’t all that smooth. Nevertheless, he thinks that “most businesses and companies have to do it all the time…that and considerably more”. So, if you’re a small business owner who’s saving £58m this year please get it touch and share your tips! There must be thousands of you out there.

We moved on. I took the efficiency topic as a springboard to discuss the Work Capability Assessments, which have been widely reported as costing more than they save. IDS rubbished these claims, saying that they were actually saving money – over a billion pounds. Well, I don’t know about you but I’m impressed. A billion pounds is a lot to be saving, even if it’s clearly at the expense of the sickest and most disabled of our society. But the report from the Independent gives the same figure as the savings in benefits payouts around – a billion, give or take – but offsets it against the £1.6bn cost of the assessments. Which was kinda my point in the first place – yes, the WCAs may cut your benefits spend by £1bn but your bottom  line will still be £600,000,000 short and you’ve ruined a whole lot of lives along the way.

If, like IDS, you’d like to dispute this, here‘s the source of that information. And a screen shot for the truly-lazy-but-argumentative:

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But it seems I was missing the point – his purpose in the WCAs was not to save money, it was to “ensure people know what condition they’re in and what services they have a right to”. Fabulous. People who are sick and/or disabled apparently are ignorant of the condition they’re in and need IDS’ help in figuring it out. So, we’re spending billions to essentially replace the holy trinity of diagnosis – Google, intuition and a decent GP. If you lose a leg, don’t bother working out for yourself what’s wrong just wait for the WCAheroes to swoop in and point at where it used to be.

But unfortunately, things don’t always go right. As IDS himself said “No system is absolutely perfect. Nothing you (emphasised) do in life is absolutely perfect” and he’s right there. I have my flaws. As discussed previously, though, my typos in a blog post don’t normally kill people. There are thousands of stories coming out about people who have died following benefit cuts and, in some cases, having the grace to die while the decision was being made so therefore saving the DWP an extra bit of admin. Now, that’s efficiency.

Even IDS himself admits that aspects of this are “absolutely appalling”. When I brought up the story of the woman who was being told her benefits were being cut on the day she died, he agreed that the case was one of those things that “went wrong” and said that he always apologises to people that suffer from those kind of things. Weirdly though, I couldn’t pin him down on whether he’d actually apologised to that particular family or not. It’s almost like he’s a politician.

At that point, I sensed our brief time together was drawing to a close. He suggested I was trying to create a row, which was never my intention. I only meant to fire off a barrage of abuse and it’s not my fault he argued back. I only hope that this week, as he went in to vote “aye” for yet more disability benefit cuts, he felt a strange twinge of conscience in his cold, cold heart. But I doubt it.

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Food Blogging, LWAT-style – Fruit Skewers

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One of the comments I often* get on the blog goes something like this: “Hey Kate, your kids seem to exist on a diet of Chicken McNuggets and Kinder Eggs. You should really get into food blogging, so that you can inspire other parents to reach those culinary heights too”. Well, readers you asked** and here it is – Fruit Skewers, LWAT-style.

We have school to blame for this. Reuben is doing Healthy Eating as his Topic, so spent half term preachily asking his cousins how much fat and sugar they’d had in their  breakfast. Now, he’s been told to make a recipe book, so naturally he wanted to try a recipe out – and what could be simpler than fruit skewers?

Err, a lot of things? Allow me to give you a few tips.

1) Buy the fruit from the supermarket just before you plan to do this. That’ll ensure the pears and the mango are so unripe that you’d need a screwdriver to get them onto the skewers.

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2) Don’t buy skewers. You can improv with stuff you have at home, right? School said dry spaghetti would work

3) Give the kids knives

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4) Make sure the fruit is all super-touched by the preschooler. It won’t get manhandled enough during the manufacturing process, so get her to really stick her fingers in it.

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5) No really, you can improv. Like when you find that the spaghetti keeps snapping and the straws are too bendy. Ta-da…spaghetti within a straw!

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6) Make sure the knives are blunt. That’s gonna be one messed up pear.

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7) Make sure the preschooler chops directly onto the table. That’s going to add to the flavour.

8) Take photos, so your phone can get sticky as well

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9) Marvel at how beautiful the finished product is

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10) At no point should you realise that the fruit would taste better about three food-preparation steps ago, and with no little bits of dry spaghetti stuck in it. That’s just loser talk.

Enjoy!!

 

 

 

*never

**you didn’t

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Bouncing Cats and Boom-Boom Pups – 27/02/16

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It’s been a varied weekend, musically speaking. Rock, hiphop, musical theatre, worship, AOR, experimental symphonies, mid-90s indie, Disney….I could go on. But instead I’ll just focus on yesterday, which saw us rocking at lunchtime and hip-hopping by teatime. First though, we started the day by dropping a TV off in this incredibly posh road in Highgate:

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By which, I mean dropping a TV off to a friend in Highgate, not just going to fancy neighbourhoods and fly tipping. I only mention it because I am a relentless collector of New Areas of London and while I’ve been to Highgate many times before, there was a place nearby that I don’t think I’ve visited ever before…or at least not since I was a child. Funnily enough, it came up in conversation the other day when I was discussing places that you cant really locate on a map because they don’t have a tube station. Crouch End was one, Stoke Newington another and this place…Muswell Hill. That’s one reason I was interested in driving through it – the other being that my mother was born there and it’s interesting  to see a bit of family history. Also, it was in a Madness song.

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And in some ways it looks like it hasn’t changed in fifty years…

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But there was no time to stop and explore. Why not? Because it was Rock o Clock.

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As our pastor wisely observed, Nathan was ready for this. He was born ready. We were at Rock School at church, which was being led by some Brazilian friends of ours. I’m never going to sound cool writing about this but I was, as Juno would say, rocking out on the bass guitar. And by the end I did, as the Beatles would say, have blisters on my fingers.

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But gone are the days when I could rock and roll all night and party every day…and it was time for a shift in musical direction. A hiphop direction.

It’s funny how life works – a few weeks back we’d never been to The Place in Euston. Now we were going for the second time in ten days, after our night of contemporary dance. Bob had won free tickets to a show called “Bouncing Cats and Boom Boom Pups” but then flitted off to the New Forest, which meant that we got them. I knew very little about it but assured Roo that it was probably the kind of show he could join in with (he was very anxious to know whether he could).

On the way, we saw a building which both kids found very exciting:

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It’s Eva Air! The world’s prettiest and sparkliest airline. Unfortunately they don’t fly if the pilot has been dressed in the wrong ballgown or if you’ve cut her aeroplane food in the wrong way.

We were very early for the show so went for a drink in the cafe downstairs. It’s pretty cheap and spacious so it’s handy if you ever need a quick eat in Euston and don’t want to pay station prices. We had juice and cookies:

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But not for long as we were on our way to…Animaland.

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As you can tell, it was pretty dark when we went into the performance space. Last time we went to The Place, I swear there were tiered seats filling up the whole room, but this time there was just a series of graffitied panels, in which we stood a little bemused, waiting for the hiphop magic to start.

Then our hosts, Maxwell Golden and Mr Dane appeared and kicked off things with a high energy freestyle jam about the random objects kids had in their pockets. Roo was holding aloft a used tissue, so I quickly rifled through my bag and found a Happy Meal freebie book for him to wave instead. Other kids were holding shoes and even one sock in the air, and Maxwell seamlessly wove them all into his rap. Then he taught us all to beatbox – “Bouncing Cat -sss, Boom Boom Pup tsh”. It’s good to acquire a new skill and I look forward to integrate some beatboxing into the next Rock School.

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From there, the space shifted and changed so that we could move around Animaland and meet the aforementioned Bouncing Cats and Boom Boom Pups. I won’t tell you too much more for fear of spoilers but it certainly was interactive. We were constantly moving, joining in, shouting and even having a full-on rave by the end. The graffiti panels set the scenes but changed every time we moved to another area. There were puppets, rap battles and some pretty bad puns. Reuben was exhausted by the end but full of bounce and happy. Eva had been carried around by her indulgent Daddy so she wasn’t too tired…but still tired enough to neeeeed a chocolate bunny on the way home.

I’m not sure where the Boom Boom train is headed next as that was their last show at The Place but have a looky here for some more info.

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A Birthday in Barking – 23/02/16

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I have a habit of going to slightly random places on my birthday. There was Bethnal Green in 2012 – not so random now but a bit out of the way when you consider we were living in South London at the time – followed by the Zoo in 2013. Then two years of unfun-quarantine-birthdays and so this year, a birthday jaunt was well overdue.

I met Bob over my glamorous birthday dinner at McDonalds, London Wall (“The Happy Meal makes it fancy” according to Reuben) and from there, we ditched the kids and made our way through some confusing backstreets and Victorian markets to Fenchurch Street station. Don’t worry, Nathan turned up some time between the Happy Meal and the station, to usher the kids away. And to buy a Happy Meal for himself, bizarrely.

From Fenchurch Street, trains to Barking go every three minutes or so and that’s where we were headed – for another relaxing spa session at the Abbey Spa, where I’d previously been with the HP mothers’ collective. I’d spent most of my birthday doing payroll, so I deserved a good soak in the jacuzzi. And Bob has a toddler, so she always deserves a soak in the jacuzzi.

Once again, I will not be posting any pictures of me in swimwear. You’ll have to make do with the birthday card Bob got me, which was pretty accurate:

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Last time I’d been it was an exclusive hire, which meant it was just people I knew. This time, it was a public and mixed session, which had a slightly different feel to it..but could also be entertaining when men started trying to out-macho each other by doing martial arts in the sauna.

I felt almost an old hand at this spa thing this time round. I knew which steam room was the hottest – the vapour room -and it was there that we started, sweating out all the McImpurities we’d just consumed. It takes a little while to acclimatise in there but the shorter you are, the easier it is. Heat rises yknow…physics, right there. So what feels unbearable when you walk in is actually bearable when you’re sitting down.

Still, it was pretty toasty and we well appreciated a cool down and relax in the jacuzzi afterwards. We spent ages in there, enjoying the bubbles and reminiscing about some of the dodgier swimming pools we’d been to. Then we went into the salt inhalation room, where I was amazed to discover that Bob didn’t remember this “Friends” moment. Surely everyone of our generation knows every episode of “Friends” off by heart?

Then , jacuzzi, sauna, jacuzzi, relaxation room. It’s a hard life hanging out at the spa. We had the relaxation room all to ourselves and it was lovely to just lie down and not have to deal with piles of laundry or washing up or any of the other things that appear in my peripheral vision when I’m trying to relax at home. Like the “Magic Trick” Eva is currently performing with four chairs and her duvet. I’m trying not to look.

So, it was a very relaxing and calming two hours and perfect for an end-of-birthday treat. Back in the real world, everything seemed a bit harsh and loud compared to the surreal serenity of the spa but we retreated the The Chequers in Walthamstow for a comforting post-spa cider. I could get used to this lifestyle…in fact, I’m going back in a week or so with the HP Ladies. Bring it on!

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Rave-A-Roo – 19/02/16

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image credit: Simon Jacobs

Three days of school and it already feels like half term was an age ago. But it did happen, the kids did disappear for most it and I managed to squeeze just one Day of Fun with them. Our destination was the Rave-A-Roo launch party at the Ministry of Sound. We were hoping to see our friends Big Fish Little Fish in their takeover slot but I got a little confused about where the main room was and so we missed it. Boo! Instead, we amused ourselves in the bar area, with neon clay modelling and an inflatable thing that blow out jets of air so you could make a ball hover.  Ooh, magic-y.

I was solo with both kids so didn’t manage to get much in the way of photos. My hands were kinda busy grabbing onto marauding children. But look at the quality photography I did manage when we eventually found the main room:

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In case you can’t tell (and you probably can’t), this was Go!Go! Go! of Nick Jr fame. Their glittery costumes and wild moves wowed the kids and we all had a bit of a boogie, all the while careful to obey the Ministry signs that told us not to dance on the speakers. Sadly, I think my speaker-dancing days are long gone. I might have done that on my 25th birthday,  but my 35th was much more about sitting around and drinking tea. Still, this was rock n roll, right? Going to a superclub in the middle of the afternoon with some kids and an inflatable flamingo or two? Plus, Reuben was excited to see the word “Roo” pretty much everywhere he looked. Rave on!

The kids were keen to find the soft play area and we headed back through the bar to the “Baby Box”, where there was a giant ball pit-slash-bouncy castle. They could entertain themselves quite happily in there and Roo barely even stepped on any smaller children. He did almost fall on one while scaling the wall, but that’s the risk you take with extreme-toddler-rave-sports.

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It was pretty hard to peel them away but the party was finishing soon so, like hardcore clubbers, they were dragged out into the unforgiving daylight, clutching their glowsticks and complaining that they could keep going all day if they wanted to. I sensed that they still had energy to run off, so we swapped the glamorous surrounds of the Ministry of Sound for a scrubby park behind the Elephant roundabout:

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Like the nearby roundabout, it had a huge and inexplicable silver feature in it, which Reuben obviously wanted to climb:

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While Eva was busy saying “Giddy up, Fishy!”

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And they both enjoyed a snuggle on the climbing frame, though all of us were unsure about why there were random items of clothing draped around it. Sometimes it’s better not to ask. Especially in Elephant & Castle.

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Oh, and there was a nice wooden assault course bit too:

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After that, Roo needed the loo and it started to rain and it all went a bit downhill but let’s leave it there…an afternoon of raving and playing. Pity they had to go back to school. Well, kinda…

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Some Lovely Businesses I’d Like To Tell You About

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The title says it all really…this is a post that I’ve been meaning to write since Christmas but, yknow, life and meth labs got in the way. Essentially, it’s me bragging about what amazing Christmas presents I bought my husband and kids and telling you where you can buy similar, to emulate my amazingness.

So, what prompted me to write this post today? Well, Nathan sought to emulate my amazingness…and won. A birthday present turned up today that was pure awesomeness but I’ll start from the beginning so you can truly understand it all.

Nathan loves 2000AD and in particular, the superhero Zenith. So I commissioned artist Joe Gatford, the husband of a weaner friend, to create a piece for me and here it is with one happy geek on Christmas morning. Look how well his t-shirt co-incidentally matches!

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Apparently I vaguely mentioned that I would like something similar for my birthday…and what did his get me? Only the most freaking awesome portrait ever!

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…and a pack of baby wipes, natch.

They match beautifully. Wanna see them together? Of course you do!

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Epic!

While we’re on Nathan’s Christmas pressies, here’s another beauty. Years ago, Nathan met Mark Morriss of the Bluetones and he’s carried this around in his wallet ever since:

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So when I noticed that Mark was selling handwritten lyrics on Facebook, I couldn’t resist. I sneakily asked Nathan what his favourite Bluetones song was and then I totally un-sneakily got it delivered to our old house and had to enlist Auntie Savage’s help to go and retrieve it. It was a little after Christmas that it arrived but it was worth the wait:

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“With love and thanks”- isn’t he like the nicest pop star ever?

And that brings us onto my last recommendation – the kids’ Christmas presents from Nathan and I. As you may have noticed, Reuben is *still* in that superhero phase, so what better than his own Reuben 2000 cape from Crafty Kilner?

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Designed to his own specific specifications (again, I found out sneakily), it’s made beautifully and swishes well in the wind. Of course, Eva 2000 is not one to be left out. Here she is, modelling her cape at a bus stop in Hackney Downs just last Sunday:

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Martha of Crafty Kilner is a friend of mine and, like Joe, quite sickeningly talented. Have a look at her website for other crafty goodness.

Why yes, I did do well on present-buying this Christmas even if it took me seven weeks to write about it. Order now in time for next Christmas!

 

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London Without a Toddler – ABQ

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Did I mention that the kids are back? We’ve had them back for five days and, honestly, it’s like they’ve never been away. But they were away! For most of half term…and while they were, Nathan and I partied hard. Cinema, board games, works, contemporary dance shows..somebody stop me! And we went out for Valentines for the first time in living memory.

Where did we go? Well, that’s the question Nathan was asking as we boarded a train to Liverpool St, clutching a 70cl bottle of vodka. I spun him various yarns about bivouacing and rough sleeping and I’m not sure he believed me until we turned into a yard in a shadowy corner of Shoreditch with not much but a battered RV in it. He still hadn’t worked it out until I tentatively knocked on the door of the RV and a man in full yellow Hazmat suit and mask answered it.

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Have you worked it out yet? Nathan had. We were 20 minutes early for our timeslot, so we sat on a sofa at the end of the yard protected from the freezing cold by only a thin sheet of tarpaulin. Maybe we were bivouacing after all.

Of course we weren’t. That would be a terribly outdoorsy thing to do and we were sissy hipsters for the night. What we were doing was “cooking” our own cocktails at ABQ London – an RV mocked up to look like a mobile meth lab. If you haven’t figured it put by now, you’re probably not conversant with Walter White’s finest work and so this whole experience may be a bit lost on you.

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Cause trust me, it’s the experience you pay for. You bring your own alcohol, you have to do most of the work making it…it’s unclear exactly what your £25/head gets you. True, there are some fancy cocktail ingredients but essentially you’re paying to hang out in an expensive part of London in a theme bar.

But a cool theme.

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And, of course, you get to drink the cocktails. It took a little while for things to get started on that front and I was never exactly sure what we going on as Jesse took our vodka and then he and Gale kinda jigged about a bit, looking very busy but not actually bringing us anything that we could make into anything drinkable. Our slot was 8-10 and we were still waiting for cocktail ingredients by 8:30. Still, they did turn up with everything we needed to make a 505 – the one with the dry ice. Woooo….effectsy….

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So, if you’ve ever wondered what Cliff Richard’s stage set tastes like, it’s vodka. And rose and lychee. Strong but pretty drinkable. We moved hastily on to the Fly, a cola-caviar- and-nitrogen infused drink. I can safely say I’ve never had one of those before. This time, we had to infuse with the laughing gas and then let it sit for 5 minutes.

I should probably explain a bit about how this works – you had your base alcohol over, choose your cocktail and the guys in the yellow suits mix it up with the rose and lychee and whatever, yo (is it just me, or did that sentence not work too work? I don’t think rose and lychee are very gangsta, yo).  Then you get the mix back in a shaker and you get to do the showy bit at the end – the dry ice or the infusing etc. But it comes with a small risk that your alcohol might get mixed up with someone else’s, which I think might have happened with the Fly. My first clue was the people next to us complaining that their drinks tasted of vodka, not gin. My second clue was our drinks tasting of gin, not vodka. We only realised once we’d done all the infusing and waiting stuff so we didn’t say anything, we just sucked it up. Well, Nathan did. I don’t like gin.

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Two cocktails down and we reckoned we could fit that last one in before kick out at 10. Time for Tripped, a flavour changing cocktail that promised to send us out happily into the night. This one came with a slightly suspect bag of white powder but I’m assured it’s all legal. Again, it made for a strong cocktail and I wasn’t totally sold on the soluble-aspirin feel of the powder-in-liquid so I poured some of mine into Nathan’s when he wasn’t looking. I was also having some logistical difficulties. As my father would say, I had a drinking problem:

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But it’s OK, I worked round it:

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Nathan, meanwhile, had gone Full Heisenberg:

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It was a fun evening and definitely different to anything we’d ever done before. There were a few operational things that made it feel a bit hit and miss (though it’s a meth lab staffed by a junkie…what dya expect?) and considering how much you pay, it’s not amazing value for money. We were probably making and drinking for an hour and a bit so there was a lot of waiting at the start and then we were aware we had to get out at the end. But hey, it’s an Experience in Shoreditch – they’re not famed for their cheapness.

So, I’d recommend it if you’re a big fan of the show and want to surprise a loved one with a unique night out (trust me, the look on Nathan’s face was worth it) but don’t be surprised if you come out feeling a little dazed and confused. Those were very strong cocktails after all…

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35 Things I Thought I’d be Doing at 35

Coffee

 

So, in a few days I celebrate my 35th birthday. It’s not one of the biggest birthdays, but it’s a handy midway point between 30 and 40 to sit and reflect on my life and the things I haven’t yet achieved. If you’d asked my 25-year-old self what I’d be like in ten years’ time I probably would have had a fair stab at describing my actual life – house in the suburbs, couple of kids, some kind of job -but the devil is in the detail, and there are so many things that I’d hoped to be doing by now that I’m just not. So, I give you 35 Grown Up and Sensible Things I Thought I’d be Doing at 35:

1. I thought I’d have invested in some decent make-up by now instead of using blunt eyeliners
2. I thought I’d be using decent make-up remover instead of water and toilet roll
3 I thought I’d be separating my whites and darks in the wash.
4. I thought I’d have a special place in my handbag for my keys and not have to go through the emptying-it-all-out charade on the doorstep every day. But no, it still takes as long to find them as it did a decade ago but no I have a couple of kids commentating as I dump huge piles of stuff onto the garden wall. And they often need a wee.
5. I thought I’d choose shoes for practical reasons
6. I thought I’d understand mortgages
7. I thought I’d have a skincare routine.
8. I thought I’d understand the American Electoral system
9. I thought I’d clean the car regularly
10. And the house
11. And the kids
12. I thought I’d have clean clothes put away in drawers and I wouldn’t just snatch clothes from the drier, willing them to dry as I walk to work.
13. I thought I’d know what I wanted to be when I grew up
14. I thought I’d use shoecare
15. I thought I’d descale the kettle more often
16. I thought I’d like the kind of films that win Oscars
17. I thought I’d dismiss all modern music as either tuneless or derivative (Oh wait, I do do this one)
18. I thought I’d be able to drink coffee without a shedload of sugar in it.
19. I thought I’d know how to cook a roast dinner
20. I thought I’d throw away tights that had holes in them, instead of keeping them “just in case”
21. I thought I’d learn how to garden
22. I thought I’d eat my 5-a-day,every day
23. I thought I’d separate my recycling properly and wash it out, instead of just flinging it from afar and hoping for the best
24. I thought I’d like olives
25. I thought I’d be able to shave without cutting myself
26. I thought if I didn’t learn to shave properly, I’d at least have reconciled myself to waxing
27. I thought I might be over my dentist phobia by now
28. I thought I’d be able to throw away old handbags as soon as the handles broke and wouldn’t have a cupboard full of old handbags, which are themselves full of old receipts and fluffy chewing gum.
29. I thought I’d remember my reusable bags every time I went to Tesco. Dagnam, if the 5p bag charge hasn’t made me do it, what will?
30. I thought I’d stop liking Monster Munch and Space Invaders
31. I thought I’d clean the bathroom with something other than baby wipes
32. I thought I’d be responsible when choosing baby names, and not give my son a middle name he won in a bet
33. I thought I’d drink wine that wasn’t prefixed by “house”
34. I thought I’d change all our bed sheets every week and not just when a child is sick on them
35. I thought I’d give out all our Christmas Thank You Letters before Easter.

So, that’s a lot of things to work on before I consider myself a Proper Grown Up. Ah well, still 5 more years before 40….

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