Hackney to be Wiped Off Map Following Online Poll


The residents of Hackney have taken a unanimous decision to anonymise themselves after an online poll branded maps “conformist, facist and obvious”. The poll, on Instagram, asked locals whether they agreed that Hackney would be a better place “if no one could ever find it”. Tens of residents replied with comments like “those who need to know, already know” and “stop the brandification of Hackney! Reclaim the purist ideal. No one had a Google Map of Eden, did they?”

Under the new regime, the area between Mare Street to the South and Clapton to the north will become a white space, reminiscent of Yoko Ono’s mid 60s work, and the tube map will simply have an absence of anything in the Zone 2 North East London area. Working on the basis that “no one knows where Hackney Wick is anyway”, up to five stations will cease to be… although they will continue to exist in actuality so that the hipsters can get to work. However, signs will be covered over and any references to the “H word” replaced with innovative street art.


Says artist in charge, Diana Rossgeller, “We’ve been really inspired by Blitz chic. There was such simplicity in never knowing where you were that meant people were less obsessed with who they were. Identity is a 21st century construct, iterated through the falsitude of social media. Why are we all so hung up on being just the one person our whole lives? I wasn’t born with this name. I possibly won’t even be called this name tomorrow. That’s because I’ve ascended past the need for identifying myself as myself. Government ID cards? Bag of bollocks”

Diana works full time as an innovator and thought gardener and prefers to be referred to using the 13th reflexive person Finnish pronoun itselleni. Itselleni also fronts a band, “Tinky Winky and the Dipsomaniacs” who haven’t played a note since 2003. Instead, they create “corporate storyising experiences” (though not corporate in the sense of wearing a suit and actually turning up on time) They facilitate this experience by showering the audience with cards from the Neighbours Game and encouraging them to “forge their own odysseys”. Sometimes they’ll also screen an episode of Red Dwarf.


Whether Operation Christopher will be a success remains to be seen. It certainly may confuse some of the area’s older residents, many of whom remember when it was all London Fields round here and the only coffee available was a non-ironic Gold Blend. Harry, who lived here in the last century before even 9/11 or The Strokes’ first album, expressed an element of infuriation with the latest plan, which will also see the numbers being removed from all buses as they go down Balls Pond Rd. “Bloody incomers and their trendy ideas. I’m confused enough by life as it is…how am I supposed to get the 55 to Bingo now? Immersive art projects? Bag of bollocks”

Follow the progress of Operation Christopher by using the hashtag #E8ReBirth or by following the scent of anti-hipster lynch mobs…


This entry was posted in Facts! And facts are important! and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *