Big Fish Little Fish Balham – 08/02/15

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It’s been a long day, starting with a lovely brunch at H’sMamaAndDada’s house and culminating in a hands-in-the-air dance fest at Big Fish Little Fish. I’m almost unspeakably tired but I’m going to try and describe it for you. Forgive me if I tail off or start blithering about “Ey ey ba day ba wadladie day”. It’s been a long day. Did I say that already?

So, today was the day that my Jewish Mother matchmaking skills finally paid off. Introducing Chris of Buttoned Down Disco to Hannah and Natasha of BFLF is hands down (or hands up?) the best piece of matchmaking I’ve ever done, and the resulting marriage of BDD music with BFLF magic was something beautiful to behold. I can’t have been the only one looking forward to it, given that the queue stretched around the block from The Bedford when we got there at 2:10ish. We waited for about 10 minutes, which gave us time to eat our hastily-bought sandwiches. That was quite some feat, given I’m still missing a tooth or two, but gave us the fuel we needed for a couple of hours’ raving at the Enchanted Forest-themed party.

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By the time we got in, it was pretty much time to go to Roo’s free drama workshop, up at the top of the building. So we left Nathan and Eva dancing under Chris’ watchful gaze and went to join the ladies of the Stickybeak Theatre for some forest-based improv. Pickle the Pixie and Belle the Butterfly guided the kids through some cute animal impressions and drama games, which Reuben thoroughly enjoyed. Pretending to be a tiger made it into his top three moments of the weekend. Obviously, tigers don’t quite fit into the forest theme, but there was no telling the small boys that. Pickle and Belle tried to keep it on topic as much as possible, but if the group had been a bit more girl-heavy, there might have been more enthusiasm for fairies and less for wolves and tigers. Not that I’m gender stereotyping.

 

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After the workshop, we caught up with the rest of the family in the craft room. They tried out most of the activities over the course of the afternoon, making masks, hiding in the play tents and sorting the temporary tattoos into type (that was Reuben). Eva spent ages colouring in the giant forest wall, standing next to another small girl, who was also wearing a grey top, pink wings and furry boots. Isn’t it embarrassing when you go to a rave and someone else is wearing the same outfit as you? Roo was busy making playdough food for Nathan, who was required to try eating each one and then say “Argh, it’s made of playdough! You tricked me!” This was another one of Reuben’s top three moments. Incidentally, the other one was watching “Twirlywoos” yesterday.

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Then it was dancin’ time. Eva and I missed the parachute dance by seconds but stuck around to dance to “On a Ragga Tip” on the stage. The rave classics continued, with “Outta Space” and a version of the “Sesame Street” tune that used to wow ’em at the early BDDs. We bumped into a friend of my old boss on the dancefloor, which was random but cool, and the kids had a great time throwing balloons and cannon glitter about. It all went a bit too quickly, and Chris wound up his set with “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” (Eva liked being sent soaring) and then the old Looney Toons theme to announce that it that was, in fact, all folks.

It was a great party and, I’m sure, the first of many BFLF-BDD collaborations. Reuben declared around 4 that he was “all danced out” and I know what he means. Goodnight!

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Twirlywoos Launch and Exclusive Interview with Anne Wood

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I told you exciting things were afoot this weekend. And now I’m back to report on the first part of it – the Twirlywoos Launch. It was so exciting that I lost a tooth. I wonder whether that’ll make it as a phrase.

We were in King’s Place, home of Mumsnet Blogfest and a lovely canalside room where kids can look at the boats. And joining us was Alex Winters, of the CBeebies house. That was a happy surprise for the kids, and an even happier one for me. We’ve been collecting CBeebies presenters, and Alex was the last of the classic line up (i.e. when Reuben was small) that we had to meet. We’ve previously met Sid, Andy and Cerrie so I’m very glad we have the full set now. Also, Alex was lovely. He introduced the show and the creators and explained that each episode featured a concept that children are interested in – whether that’s “up and down”, “full” or “wrapping” (sadly not “rapping”). The bird-like Twirlywoos come to our world and discover these concepts for themselves. There’s Great BigHoo, Toodlo, Chickedy and Chick and they all live in the Big Red Boat, with the adorable secret creature Peekaboo (the Twirlywoos never see him..but we do).

The episode we watched was about being full, and saw the Twirlywoos filling containers full of water and then filling themselves full of fruit tea. There’s a lot of silliness, some adorable slapstick and seamless interaction between the stop-motion characters and the live action of the real world. Eva was hiding behind my back and gradually crept round onto my lap as the brightly coloured action drew her in. Reuben was sitting right at the front and laughing out loud all the way through. I think they enjoyed. I just asked Reuben and he said “they’re really funny”. What was Eva’s opinion? “They look pretty, like me”. Quite.

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At the end of the screening, there was another surprise appearance – by the Twirlywoos themselves! Reuben would get to meet them later, but Eva decided she was shy again, so just hid behind my legs and wouldn’t go near them. There were lots of other fun activities to do that she enjoyed though, including making a balloon-twirlywoo that I’ve only just managed to removed from her tiny grasp (5 hours of carrying it around and it’s only lost two legs…it’s a record). Reuben enjoyed doing the Peekaboo treasure hunt and  they both liked the magic show.

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And we met Alex! Hooray! But the strangest thing happened – just as I started to talk to him, my tooth fell out. Well, not all of my tooth. Just a bit of it. Not entirely strange , given I’ve had toothache all week, but enough to distract me a bit from the lovely conversation Alex and I were having about dinosaurs. So, apologies if I seemed at all strange. There was a lot going on . That also meant I failed to get a picture of Roo with him. Bah!

Then it was time for my interview with Anne Wood, mastermind of not just this show but so many iconic Beebies shows, from “Rosie & Jim” to “Abney & Teal”. She was utterly lovely, and confirmed that yes, she did teach my mother-in-law when she was at school (my mother-in-law has long used this as her claim to fame). Then we settled into talking about the Twirlywoos. I’d wondered, as you might too, whether the four of them were meant to be a family and whether this was a recurring theme in Ragdoll shows. Anne’s answer was thoughtful – she saw it very much as an “enfolding programme”, in contrast to some of the more full-on kids shows and believes that if you have a  “reassuring group” then children will project family roles onto them.  Apparently, the family groupings of “In the Night Garden” were entirely unintentional – when children see Upsy Daisy as a mother figure or Iggle Piggle as a father, it is just their way of making those characters fit into a familiar world.

We also discussed the animation – what I thought was CGI at the beginning was, in fact, very real, painstaking stop-frame animation that had been colour-graded to give it the bright blue of a 50s postcard. Take note of that, readers. Not CGI. As Anne said “the water was real, the sand was real, the boat sailed on it..everything was real”. You’ll be amazed when you see it. And it took a lot of hard work, so you should be. Especially tough was animating against a white background, with shadow and anything. It’s a slow process, with a 1min 45 shot taking three weeks to complete. No wonder it took four years to get from idea to screen.

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The lack of CGI gives the show a lovely retro feel, not a million miles away from “Morph”.  Anne and I discussed the show’s place alongside other vintage-tinged shows like “Abney & Teal”, which Anne describes as an “oasis of calm” away from the stresses of the rest of the world. “Twirlywoos” also owes something to “Dipdap” which was made by fellow Twirlywoo-creator Steve Roberts. It’s the simplicity of the action and the strength of the physical comedy that ties the shows together. Sweet, funny, charming….what’s not to like?

I couldn’t resist discussing that Titan of kids’ TV – “Teletubbies”. Did Anne feel that it changed the landscape of preschool telly? She modestly says that “it probably did”, as people often tell her so, but at the time it just felt like a natural progression from the earlier Ragdoll shows like “Tots TV” and “Brum” and she didn’t realise how huge it would be until the press started rolling in. Of course, not all that press was favourable, with accusations of “dumbing down” being hurled amid fears that a whole generation would grow up being unable to form a sentence. What those short-sighted journos failed to realise was that “Teletubbies” was, in Anne’s words, “deeply educational”. All that walking up and down hills that the teletubbies do eventually leads to the child being able to draw their own up-and-down lines – a precursor to writing. It’s all about engaging them with patterns that they then want to recreate.

Which leads us on to the current government’s policy of formalising education as early as possible. It’s a bugbear of mine, seeing as Roo’s curriculum seems to be getting ever more compressed (Similes at 5! Adverbial phrases at 10!) and Anne feels similarly, believing that reading- and writing-readiness can come from play and TV rather than making them sit at a desk from the age of two.  Ragdoll programmes are always educational, but “Twirlywoos” is more overt in its education, cementing concepts in children’s minds with practical examples. And it seems way more fun than teaching toddlers grammar….

It was a pleasure talking to Anne, and I’m sure you’ll all enjoy the new show just as much. It starts on CBeebies on 23rd February, which you’ll also realise is my birthday.  Make sure you watch it (and wish me a Happy Birthday too…why not?)

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Exciting Times Ahead

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Well, this is going to be a rocking weekend. We have not one but two parties to go to – first, the launch party for new CBeebies show “Twirlywoos” tomorrow, which I’ll be reporting back on tomorrow night. We might even get a chance to talk to CBeebies legend Anne Wood, creator of shows like “In the Night Garden” and “Telebtubbies”. I’m very excited. Then it’s Big Fish Little Fish in Balham on Sunday, featuring partystarter and dear friend Christian Laing. No wonder Eva’s excited. And there’s more… I hear tell of an exciting new children’s festival, coming to Tatton Park, Chester this May half term. It’s called:

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and acts include Mr Bloom and ICanKaty, both of CBeebies, plus the Adrenaline Zone, the Circus Zone, the Groovy Junk Zone and the Boogie Zone! If it’s anything like LilliBop, it will be a grand day out in the North. I know it’s a little off my patch, but I’ve ventured above the M4 a couple of times lately and I know a few of you live up there.

It’s on Saturday 23 May – Monday 25 May and Early Bird tickets are on sale now at http://www.tattonpark.org.uk/. It’s free for under 2s and tickets for everyone else start at £16pp. We may even give tickets away here one day, if you’re very lucky. Watch this space…

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Full of Beans, Highbury – 31/01/15

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See, I told you we’d get past Walthamstow one day. Granted, not very far past Walthamstow – in fact, just ten minutes down the Victoria Line – but it counts. We have friends in Highbury, who have nativised to the extent that they have four different types of milk in their fridge. I’d heard of a play cafe called Full of Beans, near Arsenal tube, and it seemed like the perfect place to have a child-friendly brunch that adults might enjoy too.

As a dual purpose cafe, it works quite well. The front section is the buggy park and serving area, with three tables to eat at, and then the back is the soft play area, with a load more tables. We picked the front, as the back was already packed out at 10:20 and Reuben at least is old enough to play on his own for a bit. As ever, we ended up kinda alternating who watched the kids and who got to sit and enjoy a coffee with friends, but both managed to have some relatively civilised socialising time.

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As you can imagine, it was pretty busy. Apparently we’re not the only parents in need of caffeine on a Saturday morning. Because of that, service was a little slow – our friends’ coffees took about half an hour to come and then lacked a spoon. I asked for ketchup to go with my bacon toast and it never appeared….it was pretty tasty without ketchup but it felt like something was missing. Roo had the bacon toast too, in a child-size portion, and Nathan had a bacon and avocado sandwich which he seemed to enjoy. Eva wanted a croissant but they didn’t have any plain ones, so she had a pain au chocolat. The wonder of brunch – replacing lunch with something chocolatey. Works for her, that’s for sure.

Logistical issues aside, it was a lovely cafe. The coffee was good, the soft play was bright and clean, there were toys and dressing up clothes in between the two areas, which meant we could see Eva as she sat and played in the middle. The tabs came in the form of Ladybird books, which was a charming touch (and enabled us to learn a lot about lifeboat stations of the British Isles). Best of all, the tables had chalkboard tops and pots of chalk, which delighted toddlers and adults alike. The set up was really as perfect as you could ask for…the staffing just seemed a bit sparse. And I feared for the glass in the door every time it slammed (there was a notice up but no-one seemed to read it as they came in…weirdly, most people were quieter on the way out).

Later, we wandered through the Richard-Curtis-prettiness of Highbury Fields. That’s a place that needs some more exploring when it’s not pouring with freezing cold rain. There was a cafe, a seating area with lots of outdoor toys (think Cozy Coupes and the like) and a playground as well. I didn’t get pictures. It was really. really cold. The villagey centre of Highbury was pretty too, with expensive-looking delis and greengrocers all around. Definitely one to revisit in summer…

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February Fun Things

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Yes, that’s alliterative. Kinda. If you say it like a 5-year-old. So there.

It’s almost the end of January! Whoop! January is a miserable, long, dark month, when no-one has any money. February, meanwhile, is a bit lighter and has my birthday in it, which is a cause for national celebration. And moreover, I’ve found some super-fun things to do so that you can celebrate as well. Woohoo!

First off, an extremely exciting collaboration is about to happen and I’m like the puppetmaster. The puppetmaster of toddler rave. Yes, it’s Big Fish Little Fish news and the collaborator is none other than my good friend and notable partystarter Christian Laing, of Buttoned Down Disco. We spent many happy nights dancing at Buttoned Down when we were younger, and many unhappy nights being beaten at Monopoly by Chris. It’s happening at The Bedford Arms, Balham on Sunday 8th Feb, and I am very, very excited. If you’re a fellow East Londoner, you can also catch the BFLF crew at Stratford Circus the day before. It’s a full on BFLF Weekender!

If that’s not enough toddler-dancing, then there’s another exciting party two weeks later. Taking things in a wistful indie direction rather than hands-in-the-air electropop, Nimble Arts present their very first Indiepop Tots event. Expect Belle & Sebastian, motown and bands too obscure for even us to own (and we have that blue album by Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci). It’s in Peckham on 22nd February and hosted by the lovely Becky, famous for her cello renditions of birdsong at The Dish and The Spoon. I’ll tell you this though – when the DJ puts on an entire Arab Strap album, you know it’s time to leave. I speak from experience.

Of course, the staple of February’s toddler-schedule is the Southbank Centre’s Imagine Festival. It’s going to be strange living more than a mile away from it this year, but I’d still like to pop down to visit the Pirate School (we went last year and it was one of the last things we ever did….before chickenpox confined us to home for the rest of our Kenningtonlives) and maybe even take in some children’s opera. One of the highlights this year is “Charlie and Lola’s Best Bestest Play” and I’m very pleased to say my old friend Nikki, at Mumsnet Lambeth, is running a competition to win tickets. Click here to enter!

The Imagine Festival has an “Alice in Wonderland” theme this year (flamingo croquet ahoy!) and that brings me neatly onto the last event I have in mind – a family fun day at the Rabbit Hole. Thanks to your support, it is still open and trading and it would be awesome to give it as much love as possible. It’s on the 8th Feb and should be a day of Wonderland games and silliness. Come on down!

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Walthamstow Wanders Part 2

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We’ve been wandering around Walthamstow again. There’s still a lot to discover in this corner of the world, and it’s getting ever more toddler-friendly as more hipster parents move in from Stoke Newington. Yes, you can now buy overpriced organic veg on Chingford Road. I’ll leave you to decide whether that’s a good thing.

But it does mean that when a new cafe opens, a smart owner will embrace the childsome culture. I heard about Indulgence, on Hoe St, from the Walthamstow Parents Facebook group, with dozens of people praising the friendliness and the cake. So when Eva and I found ourselves on Hoe St, in desperate need of cake, it seemed like a logical place to go. We were killing a bit of time and I’d planned to take her to the children’s section of the library for some books and a runaround, but she’d inconveniently fallen asleep the moment we got there. So I went for a walk, to the WAM office and she woke up, extremely grumpy. Hence needing the cake.

It really was lovely. There was nothing that was too much effort for the ladies working there. They brought out a tray of freshly baked muffins for StroppyPants to choose from, and offered to warm one up for her. It’s bright, friendly and the tea selection is good. They have an outdoor space, which I think will be lovely in summer, and they do have loos, even though it’s not immediately obvious where they are. The only negative is that they don’t take card at the moment, but there is a free cash machine in the shop opposite, so it’s not too much effort. A few doors down, there’s also a super-cute-looking kids’ clothes store called “Kaboom” – it seems to share a unit with a Chinese medicine shop, so it’s not immediately obvious where it is. Just kinda go round the corner into Greenleaf Rd and you’ll see it. I didn’t go in, in case I spent money I didn’t have, but there were some lovely t-shirts in the window.

That was Wednesday. Yesterday saw us hanging around Wood St for a couple of hours. Yes – me, Nathan and our one child Eva. Very civilised. We wandered through the Indoor Market, with Eva admiring a yellow vintage dress, and were only slightly put off by two gentlemen arguing over whether to have the door open or closed. Then we went in search of a park I’d heard much about but never been to – the Pirate Ship of Bisterne Avenue.

Not that I remembered it was Bisterne Avenue. Or in fact where it was at all. I first led everyone past Tumble in the Jungle to a likely-looking patch of green on Google Maps but that turned out to be a cricket pitch. Next, we walked back towards Forest Rd but that put us on the wrong side of a railway line. A bit of googling led us back to Wood Street station and up Fyfield Rd till we found the mythical park. And it did indeed have a pirate ship in:

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It’s all been freshly refurbished, and as well as the pirate ship there were ping pong tables and a play tunnel:

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And a zipwire! Sadly our one child was too little to go on it on her own, and holding her on is back-breaking work for a mother. There was also a random hammock:

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It was a great little park but we were cold, so it was time for a coffee at Lot 107, another WP-recommended cafe. Again, it was very friendly, warm and serves good coffee. I wish I could report back on the cake but two of the three cakes were eaten by Eva, leaving me and Nathan half a shortbread each. Hardly seems fair, does it? Still, the shortbread was nice.

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Lot 107 do an afternoon tea on a Thursday, with kids’ activities so I may take Roo one day (ah yes, I do have more than one child…I’d forgotten). And on that note, we needed to leave the cafe to pick Reuben up from his friend’s party at Tumble in the Jungle. I can’t say I can really report on Tumble, given I only dropped him off and picked him up again…think I’ll save that for another day. There will be more Walthamstow adventures.

And for the rest of you who don’t live in East 17? Don’t worry – there are more exotic trips planned. Starting with Highbury next week. Who knows – we may even venture to West London one day…

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Brooks Farm – 23/01/15

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You may not have noticed but it’s blimming cold today. I’m cold right now.  I may have to persuade Eva to come and give me a hug to warm up, but that’s going to be a tough job, given she’s busy attending to her own babies. They grow up so fast.

So naturally, today was the day to do something outdoorsy. A city farm, to be exact. Brooks Farm in Leyton has recently reopened after a refit and they are now running toddler sessions on a Tuesday and a Friday morning at 10. You pay £1.50 at the cafe, go to the classroom for a bit and then go out to feed the animals their breakfast. So, we had a little time to warm up before the outdoor bit and the sun was out anyway, which gave the illusion of it being above zero degrees, The two pairs of socks and furry boots also helped.

The play session at the start was fun – there were puzzles, toys and play tunnels out and it’s in an enclosed space so I got to chat to my friends a bit while Eva pottered about. There’s also that all-important toilet. Let’s not dwell on the potty training progress. I slightly regretted not buying a coffee when I bought my ticket, but I’m never 100% sure on the whole eating-and-drinking on farms thing. I guess it’s OK if you don’t have your hand in a goat’s mouth at the same time. And yes, that did happen later.

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After half an hour or so, we gathered to sing a few verses of “Old McDonald”, along with glove puppets and then went to feed the lambs. Eva was one of the first to the hay bales and so got pounced on by three excitable lambs at the same time. I don’t know why I thought lambs would be meek and gentle…they’re just woolly puppies really. Anyway, she got to give the lamb its bottle, which she is now recreating with the aforementioned babies and some “soil milk”. Such a Jewish mother.

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Next up were the rabbits. We got to stroke a ridiculously soft one called Ronnie, who was a lot more placid than his Kray namesake. I guess nature really didn’t make him that way. We filled the rabbits’ food trays up, petted them and then moved onto the goats, who gobbled up handfuls of pellets from both me and Eva. Contrary to popular belief (Reuben’s), they didn’t also try to eat our clothes. Then we saw the  ducks on their iced-up pond, the ponies and a cow that Eva insightfully declared was “not real”. Oh, and there was a rogue peacock too:

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It was a lovely farm and, if it had been a bit warmer, I think we would have lingered. We didn’t even try the icy climbing frames of Skelton Lane Park, but it looked like there was an exciting wooden adventure playground there. One for the summer, I feel. But the play-and-feeding session is a grand morning out all year round. Just wrap up warm.

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Save the Rabbit Hole!

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These are unhappy times for London’s toddler-friendly cafes. Our favourite Dish and Spoon is closed, due to water damage repair and Nancy’s Pantry is also closed, following a fire. And now the Rabbit Hole is facing closure too, due to an extraordinarily shortsighted and ill-managed business rates system from Newham Council. In a neglected part of Stratford, beyond the bright lights of Westfield, this plucky cafe and community space has been warming the hearts and feet of the local parenting community since May 2014 and it would be a shame and a disgrace if it was sabotaged by the very people who should be encouraging business development. 

Here’s a link to the petition. Please take a moment to sign it and share it – you never know what an impact it could make. And here are some of the lovely things people have been saying while signing:

“This is a valuable asset to the local community. Such an inspirational place”

“The Rabbit Hole is a wonderful child-friendly community space which should be supported by the council! It’s too good to let go!”

“Through hard work and commitment this space has been created to offer support, to enable individuals who are carers of young children, and for children themselves to play learn and communicate”

So please sign, and pop down to the Rabbit Hole to show your support. There may still be a chance…

 

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Competition Time!! Win a Family Ticket to “In the Night Garden Live”

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Exciting news in LWATville. The “In the Night Garden” dome is hitting the road again and we have a family ticket to give away! The dates have just been announced today and <drumroll> here they are:

Live Quarter at The O2, LONDON: 28 May – 13 June

Richmond Old Deer Park, LONDON: 20 June – 4 July

Cannon Hill Park, BIRMINGHAM: 11 – 25 July

The Trafford Centre, MANCHESTER: 1 – 22 August

Queen’s Park, GLASGOW: 29 August – 12 September

Tickets go on sale on 30th Jan, with an exclusive pre-sale from 27th Jan (registration for pre-sale opens tomorrow) but as I may have mentioned a few times now, you can WIN! WIN! WIN! through our very own, London With a Toddler competition page.  Link too subtle? Try HERE

The comp closes on 19th Jan, so enter now. While you wait for the results, check out my review from last year. Isn’t that a pip?

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The Real Danger of UKIP

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I know, I know…this has nothing to do with London toddlerness. But I live in London and I’m damned if my toddlers are going to grow up under the thumb of Farage. How will my poor son-of-Israel boy be able to wander Walthamstow if the Neo-Nazis are holding hate rallies outside Waltham Forest Town Hall? (And trust me, the Town Hall is the ideal base for a fascist party. It really lends itself to extremism)

But UKIP won’t get in the next election, will they? After all, they’re a pretty minority party still. True, the National Socialists were in the minority too, but this is 21st Century Britain and we don’t fall for the wholesome old “Kinder, Kirche, Kuche”, fresh air and exercise, fascism-is-your-friend routine do we? Oh, except that apparently UKIP are now a “major party” who will be allowed to take part in TV debates in the run up to the election, a privilege the poor Green Party have never been offered.

And that, to me, is the real danger. The media are letting Farage speak. And what he says is pretty darn ugly.

People diss political correctness, but it has moved our society on at an unprecedented rate. It was only 40 years ago that “Love Thy Neighbour” was prime-time telly – as Wikipedia describes it, it was about a “suburban white working class couple in Twickenham attempting to come to terms with having a black couple as next-door neighbours”. Attempting to come to terms with it. That’s brave of them. Political correctness isn’t about not calling coffee “black” or making children sing about rainbow sheep. It’s about not using language as a weapon against people who are in some superficial way different to you.

Of course, Farage is too clever to start spouting off about “darkies” and “poofters” but his rhetoric is consistently one of division and blame. Take his response to the horrific events in Paris, which apparently were the fault of “multiculturalism”. They weren’t. They were the work of people who were unhinged. And those, my friend, you get in even the most Aryan of cultures.  But taking the opportunity to rile up anti-Muslim feeling is not only grossly inappropriate, but also hugely insensitive to the family of Ahmed Merabet, the Muslim police officer who was shot at point-blank range while begging for mercy. Yes, Muslims are victims of terror too. It pays to remember that sometimes. And I have little time for anyone who curses religion in general for these killings – but that’s a whole other subject. General rule of thumb – if God is telling you to kill a load of people, that probably makes you a psychopath rather than a zealot. Hope that helps.

But back to topic in hand.  Farage has often tried to distance himself from the more extreme elements of his party – the ones who trivialise rape and blame gay marriage for the floods – but you have to wonder why these extremists are attracted to his party in the first place. Simple – encouraging division empowers the already-prejudiced. Do you have racist, homophobic or bigoted views that you’ve tried to repress throughout these achingly liberal times? Well, UKIP is here to give you license to express them. Giving views like this a platform in the media makes it once again acceptable to have these views. Does that explain why UKIP’s website says “No to Political Correctness – it stifles free speech”? They aren’t interested in free speech. They’re interested in rolling integration and acceptance back half a century.

And that naturally lends itself to the other policies on the website – increased immigration controls, making migrants ” pay into the pot before they take out of it” etc etc etc. It’s policy that’s been disproved time and time again – with stats on how British emigration balances European immigration, reports on how immigrant workers are basically propping up the NHS and good old anecdotal evidence how multiculturalism – especially in London – actually makes life more interesting. I bought some Turkish biscuits just yesterday. But UKIP were handed some gifts last year – the murder of Alice Gross by a Latvian immigrant with a criminal record (allegedly), the flights to Syria taken by radicalised schoolgirls – and all of this has whipped up hysteria that a canny politician can capitalise on.

He’s not proposing to round up all the immigrants and put them in concentration camps, along with the Jews and the Gays and the Communists but this constant repetition of “Them vs Us” is seeping into the public consciousness and that’s terrifying. It appeals to the nice, normal family-orientated people who worry about the state of the country. It appeals to the thugs who are baying for a fight. It appeals to the Jihadists who just need one more push to make them take revenge. Words are powerful. To go back to religion for a minute – what is that built on, if not words? And look at the sway that religion has. Don’t let Farage’s slogans become gospel.

I don’t have a solution to this country’s woes. If I did, I’d go into politics and make millions claiming back duck houses. But I don’t. All I know is that if anyone is offering an easy solution, you shouldn’t trust them. Farage will not fix this country. But he has the power to break it. And that is the danger of UKIP.

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