A Guide to Solving Your Breastfeeding in Public Dilemmas

After the Rugeley protests and the massive amounts of publicity surrounding breastfeeding in public this last week or so, you’d think that the world would have got the message. Not so much. The internet trolls that branded a mother a tramp for feeding her child have brought out yet more opinionated trolls, such as this comment on the Daily Mail website (where else?!):

“ITS NOT NATURAL TO DO THIS IN PUBLIC,,it is offensive….”

You’re offended? Have you considered your own offences against punctuation?

And:

“Another little self important woman who thinks that she has done something earth shattering by giving birth to a child! And why do mothers seem to think that babies need to be fed 24 hours a day, and they never sleep!”

Eva laughed so hard at that question that she pooped her pants a little.

And, of course, that old expressing argument:

“What I don’t get with these supposedly intelligent women is why they are seemingly incapable of expressing milk beforehand and feeding their kid from a bottle. Are they that desperate to make some sort of statement : “look at me, look what an Earth-mother I am”? That’s the problem with attention seekers – the minute they get the sort of attention they DON’T want they go off shrieking to the papers, or to court. No one is disputing whether breast is best but there’s a time and a place and in public is neither…”

Ah, I’m too thick to use a breast pump? You’re probably right – you need a degree in engineering to work one of those damned things. Luckily, I’m at peace with my stupidity and can just about manage to point a baby in the general direction of a boob. If only my parents had sent me to private school*

But my personal favourite is this one. I really, really x10,000 hope that this person actually  lives in Tunbridge Wells:

“Disgusted, Tunbridge Wells, 3 days ago

Not everyone wants to see women breast feeding in public!!”

Anyway, for all of you breastfeeding mothers who have had your confidence swayed by this, Tunbridge Wellsians or not, don’t worry! I have prepared some definitive charts to help you make important decisions about whether or not you should breastfeed in public, along with the question of whether breastfeeding in public makes you an exhibitionist, and whether you should use a cover. Read on – all the answers you need are right here:

You’re welcome.

*My parents are off on holiday, so I’m relatively confident I can get away with this one. It’s just a joke, honest Mum. It was me that insisted on going to state school, after all…