Defaming Mr Tumble

Disclaimer: This article is obviously a spoof and so there’s no reason for anyone at CBeebies to sue me even a little bit. It’s two years old so some of you might have seen it before but I’m sharing it by popular demand after I mentioned defaming Mr Tumble in a seminar at Mumsnet Blogfest today. It was originally written for a spoof website, but taken down because it was too derogatory. It may require a geekish level of CBeebies knowledge to understand. Hope you enjoy it.

The genteel world of children’s television has been rocked after one of its prime ambassadors – Justin “Mr Tumble” Fletcher – went on a foul-mouthed and -handed rant against rival CBeebies Misters -Bloom and -Maker. Of newcomer Bloom, Fletcher allegedly said “He’d better watch his ~*?!ing back. This channel is getting overrun with wannabe Misters and he’s gone one singing vegetable too far.” Regarding Maker, Tumble’s primary issue was again one of power stealing. “He’s doing presenting slots in the afternoon, the little #£@#” ranted Fletcher “How does he get to do that? It’s so unfair! Sure, they let me play the comedy oversized guitar just before Rastamouse but it’s not the same. Do they think he’s got something special? I’ll give him something special alright. In a minute!”

The tirade of four letter words – and their accompanying symbols – has shocked Tumble’s loyal fanbase but BBC insiders say it’s been on the cards for some time. A leading psychiatrist says that Justin suffers from multiple personality disorder. “There is his primary delusion – Mr Tumble – but there are also the secondary delusions – Aunt Polly, Grandad Tumble, Lord Tumble – and even tertiary delusions, such as that other aunt who turns up every so often. And the entire cast of Gigglebiz. Some people say it’s just “any excuse to drag up” but I think it’s symptomatic of something more serious”.

He also suffers from that most common CBeebies disorder – Third Person Syndrome. This is where someone is incapable of using the first person, choosing instead to transfer their actions (and the associated responsibility) to the third person. “This is most definitely an individual that’s lost touch with reality” concluded the psychiatrist, Dr Charles Bhare.

After the outburst, Fletcher went on a vandalism spree around the BBC, spray painting large coloured spots onto every available surface, screaming “Is this…FUNNY? Does this make you…LAUGH?” He was finally sedated with a large dose of Waybuloo and was last seen rocking himself to sleep in a small boat, specially reserved for these kind of emergencies.

His future at CBeebies is currently unclear. Whatever happens, it is inevitable that the Tumble generation will grow up with a tainted view of the man they once regarded as second only to Timmy Mallett.