Happy New Year! I realise it’s in no way Christmas any more – although Eva tells me that “Fishmas” carries on until February – but yesterday we went for one last shot of Christmas joy before settling into dreary January. Truth is, I told Eva I’d take her to Christmas at Kew but then didn’t think it about it again until we were driving home from Winchester on 28th Dec. As we went past Kew Gardens, she piped up with a “hey, weren’t we going to go to that?” At which point I started looking for tickets on my phone. And that, my friend, is how you end up with a 19:20 entry at an unpopular gate on a day that’s so far after Christmas that it’s a whole separate holy day. But, for all that, it still worked well as a trip out for the most part so I wouldn’t be against the idea of doing Epiphany at Kew again. After all, what else is there to do?
If you live near us, you might observe that Kew Gardens is in no way near to North-East London. Just because we drive past it on the way home doesn’t mean that it’s close to the end of the journey. In fact, it’s probably about halfway between here and Winchester time-wise. So it was gonna be a bit of a trek and there were various ways Eva and I could tackle it. The decision was pretty made for me when Eva googled and found a Five Guys near Richmond station that we could go to for a quick dinner before we went in. Richmond requires the District Line, so we went for the Victoria Line to Victoria and a long walk through the corridors.
Gargh, I always forget what a pain the District Line is. I probably should have learnt from my last attempt at West London and just taken the first green train to anywhere…but there was a Richmond train coming in 14 minutes (!) so we just waited….and waited. The platform filled up as a Hamilton matinee kicked out but luckily a lot of the crowd took the Ealing Broadway train and we got onto the Richmond train with relative ease, even if there weren’t any seats.
But yes, the District Line is indeed a pain. Being right behind the Ealing train meant that we had to stop constantly to wait for a platform, including a lengthy pause outside Earls Court. Google Maps tells me it took 49 minutes from Victoria to Richmond but it felt longer, especially the bits around Kensington where we kept stopping at stations that I swear are close together in real life. We probably could have walked from South Ken to Barons Court quicker than we travelled but, on the upside, there was a tiny dachshund on the train that kept Eva amused by doing complex tricks like yawning or sniffing. I know all dachshunds are tiny but this one was even smaller than usual. Plus, there were some cool stone sculptures at Gloucester Road that looked like giant fossils but I didn’t get a picture but it’s tricky on a crowded train. Neither did I get a picture of the “heavenly ghost train” we saw around Gunnersbury-ish. It was probably just a different tube line (Piccadilly) that was on a track higher up the hill than us but in the dark it did look a bit like it was flying through the sky. Which caused Eva to reflect that we probably looked like some kind of “demonic hell train” to them.
She wasn’t far off, especially when we had yet another delay just outside Richmond. But eventually we were free and strolling through the streets of this very pretty bit of London:
By the way, other restaurants are available – I spotted a Wagamama and a fun-looking Hawaiian place with swings – but Eva only wanted one thing., We sped-ate our fries and made it back up the street to the bus stop just in time for our entry slot. It was going to be a substantial walk from Richmond but the 65 bus got us to the base of Kew Bridge very speedily. And the bus stop had this combination of “Omega” and “Flowey” that made Eva laugh a lot. I think it’s some kind of Undertale reference?
Our tickets were for the Elizabeth Gate, as the other gates had sold out. That’s why we went to the bus stop at Kew Bridge – it is a bit disconcerting going past all the other gates and what seems to be the whole of Kew Gardens but I held my nerve and it was only a few minutes’ walk once we got off the bus.
I feel like I know the area reasonably well from driving through but if you’re not familiar, look out for the bit of Kew that looks like the England of story books – a cricket green next to a church and a half-timbered pub. It’s what Americans would probably draw if they were asked to sketch “England”:
Walk alongside the green, past the Cricketers pub and the Elizabeth Gate is at the bottom of the road. Try not to troll your child too much about their fear of cricket bats as you go.
I suppose you want to hear about Kew Gardens itself now, right? Well, the Elizabeth Gate isn’t the ideal entry for the light trail as there’s a bit of a walk before you get to the start. If you want the razzle-dazzle and “Welcome to Kew” then the Victoria Gate is probably the best bet. But that’s for people who book before 28th Dec, I guess.
Still, it doesn’t take too long to get to the trail and there was a small photo opportunity right by the gate:
There were also toilets and a couple of food vendors but the trail proper started with this “Little Shop of Horrors” piece I think:
And these glasshouses:
And a path that led to a lake installation which was the first truly mesmerising point of our journey. We spent a while there before realising that the song (“Once Upon a December”) was both eerie and on loop. There was no actual lake but a smoke and light show created a very convincing illusion. It was only when you look really hard that you realise there’s a leaf-strewn concrete bottom rather than water. It was very beautiful though:
Beyond the was a spotlit road that I only got the blurriest photos of:
And then the light show on the actual water outside the greenhouses. I remember this being pretty awesome in the daylight a couple of years ago but it was much better at night. The lights were synched to songs – “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (nb he isn’t….at least not for another 11 months) and something that Eva identified as “John Williamsy”. She’s learnt from last week. I think it was the theme from “Home Alone”, in which case she’s right. It was all very atmospheric and Eva was enjoying it so much that I could leave her watching while I went to join a substantial loo queue.
We were nearing the Victoria Gate and I was a bit confused by some signage that made me think that’s where we needed to exit at 9pm. I realise now that I misread it and it was just warning us that if we weren’t as far as the Victoria Gate by 9 then we wouldn’t have time to complete the trail before kick-out at 10. We were there at almost exactly 8 so we had time either way but it was reassuring to see other people heading off down the trail at the same time as us which mean we probably didn’t need to be back there at 9.
All of which meant we had time to stop for doughnuts at this place:
Hooray! They were hot and delicious, even if the sauce was a bit runny to eat well in the dark. I think we both probably have chocolate sauce all over out coats and scarves still and we just haven’t found it yet. Worth it tho.
The next bit of the trail was these very pretty icicles:
Eva said it looked like the kind of path where the Fey would appear and drag you into the forest but luckily that didn’t happen. I could still see the buildings on the main road so I knew we were safe but it did have an unsettling feeling. We saw a few other pretty things along the way:
And then got to this very popular tunnel:
As with all these ‘grammable things, the experience would be better if they weren’t overrun with influencers. I know I sound hypocritical because bloggers are the forerunners of influencers but there’s a distinct difference….bloggers like taking pictures of things whereas influencers like having pictures taken of themselves with things. Which makes for a lot of queuing while they’re posing. We’ve seen it at Delight and even in the park near Embankment but it can be a bit intrusive on everyone’s experience if there’s someone taking endless reshoots of that peace sign pose. Anyway, I managed to get a picture of the tunnel with the influencers cropped out so you get the idea. It would have been quite magical if we could just wander through it without queuing.
The next bit was more atmospheric, for sure – the field of fire was roped off so actually you could get the sense of the whole exhibit without any people in view. This was another eerie and unsettling one – there was a melancholy version of “Silent Night” playing and Eva suggested it was depicting Herod’s slaughter of the innocents. I mean, that is Christmassy in a way….but whatever it was depicting, it was impressive and moving to walk through.
Which made the jollity of Electric Avenue and the fairground slightly jarring. Again, I failed to get a good picture of the avenue because of the crowds but you get the idea. It was a stark contrast from the fire field but also effective in a jazzier way:
I was hoping we could bypass the fairground but Eva wanted a go on the carousel so we had to queue a bit for fairground tokens so she could get on. There was a blue chicken with “Eva” written on it but she eschewed that for some reason:
And ended up on a very similar-looking one called “Natalie”. Make of that what you will.
The food village was right next to the fairground and Eva wanted yet more fries so we had a quick food and loo break. There were lots of tasty-looking options (Lebanese, Caribbean, Indian) but I wasn’t hungry enough to get anything even tho I was very tempted. Also, I was still paranoid about running out of time so we pressed on.
Soon enough, we stumbled on what seemed to be a rock concert, with The Darkness blasting out over the treetop walk with more smoke and strobe lights. You really do get a variety of cultural influences on this walk.
Then through some arches that were one of the more explicitly-Christmassy parts of the walk. Oh, and there was a real live Santa but the fairground but it being Epiphany we didn’t pause to discuss what Eva might want in her stocking last year.
The next bit of the walk was so magical that Eva asked me how you say “Wow” in German. Think the Great Hall at Hogwarts:
We sped up a bit after that as it was getting very cold and I had an eye on the time all the time. There were some cool things along the way such as this very impressive oak:
And a tunnel of “heavenly trapeziums” as I think they were called:
Before the last big set piece of the walk (from our perspective of leaving where we started). This was built to look like a cathedral and had “Ave Maria” playing as you walked through. It was weirdly serene, even though it was also super crowded. Again, I pretty much failed to capture the majesty of it:
And again, a slight jarring sensation to go straight from that to these extremely sparkly birds with “Rockin’ Robin” blasting out. It felt a bit like being in a Hitchcock film:
Then a pause to take in the always impressive Hive:
And then we were back in the land of toilet breaks and looking for the exit. It was 9:40ish by the time we left so you’ll be pleased to know that we did not get locked in but I’m glad we didn’t linger too much longer at some of our favourites. An earlier timeslot would have been better I think but then that’s another perk for people who book in advance and not on impulse three days after Christmas. You live and learn.
Having said that, it was a perfectly jolly January thing to do and I didn’t regret it. It wasn’t so Christmassy that it was unworkable after the new year. We might even do the same again next time, albeit it with a better gate and time slot.
We left by the Elizabeth Gate and I was keen to avoid the District Line so we walked over the bridge to Kew Bridge station and were just in time for the Waterloo train. The signage is somewhat ambiguous as you walk in but you need to cross to the far platform for Central London – the nearer one is for Windsor. We almost got this very wrong.
But we got it right in the end and were in Vauxhall within 22 minutes. A quick snack stop at Sainsburys and then a hop on the Vic line saw us home 1 hr 30 after leaving Kew. Impressive, I think.
In case you hadn’t discerned so far, “Christmas at Kew” is now finished for the season so I won’t include a booking link but definitely look out for it next year!
