A Heartfelt Plea to Katie Hopkins

Katie, there’s something I need to tell you and I feel like it’s best coming from me. After all, we have the same name and names are so important, aren’t they? I mean, no wonder you didn’t want to enter into a dialogue with Peaches Geldof – she has a stupid name. How could her opinions possibly be worth anything with a name like that?

So, here it is, Kate to Kate…and it pains me to say this to you, because I really am a devoted fan but you need to hear this.

Oh Katie, the problem is you keep making yourself look stupid. Your arguments have no logic or even any point and that, I’m afraid, is letting down the Kate side. It used to be that just having a posh voice meant that people thought you were intelligent, and so you could get away with appearing on live TV without a single well-formed argument in your armoury. But this is the age of social media, where people pick apart everything you say and I’m sorry to say this Katie, but some of the things you say don’t really stand up to a second hearing.

Take the end of the segment, for example. Peaches presented a study from Harvard on the detrimental effects of controlled crying and how did you counter that? By saying “Attachment Parents are crap parents”. That’s not really an answer, is it Katie? I mean I know it’s only data from an American University, and you probably have some views on just how good they are, but apparently people respect that particular one and it kind of looks like Peaches may have won the argument there.

I’m sure you could have come up with some great arguments against Attachment Parenting if you’d tried. You’re educated, aren’t you? You went to the University of Exeter, which is pretty much the Harvard of Devon. If you’d only had a fact or two at your disposal, you could have blown that young thing out of the water. But saying that Swedish children are spoilt brats with nothing to back it up…it’s a bit weak.

Listen to me Katie, I’m here to help. You’d like me. I’m middle-class, I have a posh accent and a degree, my children all have nice, middle-class names. True, I might be one of those parents who breastfeed their toddler and sleep in a bed with them, but that’s OK as long as we have the same name, right? Names are the most important thing.

I also wrap my baby in a long bit of material, which I know you deem unacceptable but I’ll find an alternative, honest Katie. Anything to make you happy. The problem is, I don’t know what. You mocked Peaches for using a pram, so that option’s out. Maybe I’ll get a 4×4 and use that to get the children around every time we need to go anywhere. I mean, I live in London and the nearest shop is 100 metres away but if it makes my parenting more acceptable in your eyes Katie, I’ll do it.

The problem is, I just can’t seem to get away from the material thing. I heard your point about how you see mothers with babies wrapped in material and although you didn’t say why this was a bad thing, I assume from your tone of voice that it was. But everything my baby wears is material based. Should I stop clothing her? Or look into plastic clothes or vacuum-sealing into her carseat? Help me Katie, I really am a loss with this one.

But on one point, I am totally hearing you. And that’s on not letting the baby rule the household. What an absurd notion, letting a toddler with no sense of reason dictate what everyone does! No, that doesn’t happen in our household. The 4-year-old is firmly in charge and we all know it. The baby has no choice at all – whatever he tells her to do, she has to do it. After all, he’s got an education behind him (7 weeks’ worth now!) so he’s the logical choice to be the decision-maker. I cannot abide people who let their toddlers choose what to have for dinner or which park to go to. That’s the 4-year-old’s job and everyone should know that!

So, help me out here Katie. Just a weeny bit of research, just one statistic here or there could make such a difference. Because I want to agree with everything you say, as a fellow Kate. I want to be behind you 100% and then some. I admire you so much. I often pick on people because of their names, or slag off arbitrary groups of mothers just because I can. Hopefully one day I’ll get the chance to be filmed having sex with someone else’s husband in a field, because that’s how much I want to be like you. I even spend hours in front of the mirror, practising my pursed-lips look, to get it Just Right. So I’m urging you to just be careful what you say in front of the cameras. We don’t want to have to kick you out of the Kate Club.

Thank you Katie, and God Bless you for your outstanding contribution to society.